The Other Side

Empathy for the Opposition

Webster's dictionary defines empathy in the following manner [1]:

"the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner"

Have you ever had a strong feeling about a particular issue? Are you so convinced that your stance is the correct one and you wonder how it is not obvious to the person who opposes you? Well, guess what...that is exactly how the opposition feels. Chances are, while you are providing the opposition with your well-thought-out argument, they are tuning you out and waiting for their turn to begin speaking. We have all done it. We want to save that poor soul from their ignorance; show them the light! Or worse, you get the person who does not want to let you chime, refusing to even consider anything that opposes their view.

For the record, people like this mule are a lost cause. Communicating and providing the person with facts and sources is not enough. They will need to see something first hand. For this mule, the man will have to google "Footloose" and show the mule a picture of Kevin Bacon under the cast section. If you have the time, go for it. But I bet you can find someone who is willing to listen, or at least pretend to listen while they mentally prepare their counter argument. Here's a question though: what if we showed some empathy?

This is not Debate Team

What is the purpose in arguing with someone, hoping they will change if you yourself are not open to the possibility of change yourself? This is not a debate. There is not an official keeping score who will announce a winner at the end. It is time to step away from your pride and be open to influence. How else can we grow as individuals?

The Purpose of Empathy in Communication

So there is a purpose, and you may not like it, but, if you are sincere, you are one step closer to mutual understanding (or, even better, agreement!). Sincere empathy requires you to step away from your position in the argument and see the issue from your opponents perspective. The scary part is that you open yourself up to a potential change in your stance. That is not a bad thing though. Consider this example:

When I was in college, I often had trouble staying awake in some of my classes. My wife insisted that if I exercised in the morning before school I wouldn't be so tired during lectures. I thought that was absurd.  "What? I'm going to tire myself out so I won't be tired?". I continued being the stubborn mule for about two semesters. During that time she presented me with a lot of evidence. But I refused. I just needed to sleep in longer. More sleep = more energy. Eventually, though, I was tired of being, well..., tired. So I tried her suggestion. Not only did it work, but my grades improved! I stopped tuning her out and looked at things from her perspective. I was willing to accept the possibility that I might be wrong (which I was). 

Showing some empathy can have powerful rewards for both you and the person you are communicating with. 

Reciprocity

People appreciate the reciprocity and it aids in your attempts of persuasion. In his Forbes article, "The 21 Principles of Persuasion", Jason Nazar talks about certain tactics that, although they are meant for business, are certainly applicable to generic communication. One of the notable rules, which is titled "Reciprocity Compels", talks about how people feel compelled to do something for you when you have done something for them [2]. If you look at an issue from your opponent's point of view, unwarranted, they are more likely to look at the same issue from your point of view when asked.

Rapport

Another thing that can help your argument is if you try to build some rapport with an individual, prior to the argument. I know, this is not always possible. Most of my arguments, however, are with people whom I have known for several years, or decades even. You can build rapport by encouraging people to talk about themselves. Princeton Psychologist Diana Tamir "found in one study that between 30-40% of our speech is focused on ourselves. In that same study Tamir noted that when people talked about themselves their brain scan showed signs of activity in the areas of the brain most closely linked to motivation and value" [3]. You may say, "This is something that will take quite some time. How do I even know if the person I invest the time in is going to be the same person I am going to argue with?" Well, you do not know. You likely already know which friends, family, coworkers, etc, you have opposing views with. It is different with new people though. This is going to require you to build rapport with everyone you meet. Oh no! You are going to have to be an awesome person that everyone loves! This process of building self rapport is going to benefit you in more ways than just arguing/persuading.

Cultural Obstacles

The cultural obstacles that we may have to deal with when communicating about an issue with an opponent are potentially two-sided; the obstacle in itself is the same, but it might differ between the two parties, i.e., cultural bias. In her article, "How Culture Controls Communication", Carol Kinsey Goman writes about how all cultures have rules that its members may not be aware of. She goes on to write, "Few of us are aware of our own biases because cultural imprinting is begun at a very early age...Of course, we are all individuals, and no two people belonging to the same culture are guaranteed to respond in exactly the same way" [4]. Some issues that you feel inclined to talk about may involve racial differences. Lets assume you are white and your opponent is black. As much as you would like to be empathetic, your opponent may find this insulting since you cannot possibly know what it is like to be a black man or woman. In cases such as these, it is best choose acceptance instead of understanding; rather than blind acceptance, take note from the previous section and build rapport with the individual.

Conclusion

Empathy is not just a tool of persuasion, it is also a tool for personal growth. Now go out into the world and show some empathy!

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